Right now I'm experiencing a lot of frustration with my work, but not because I'm creatively stymied or because I have chemical or process issues I can't resolve. It's that I can see where I want to go and have visions of images and themes I want to explore, and I understand where I need to improve--but I just can't get there from here. And the fact that it's all so very tantalizingly close makes it very, very hard to bear at times.
<poor_me> We've been extremely underemployed during the last year and a half, so the finances are very tight. I just can't buy supplies as I need to, such as new collodion, fixer, aluminum plates, etc. I really need models, people who are willing to be very still and are also open to participating in someone else's creative process, but I have no money to pay anyone, everyone I know has a life (that's a good thing), and to top it off, I'm an introvert with social anxiety issues, so I don't exactly have the gift of gab and the power of persuasion (not that I truly want that, I personally abhor pushy salesperson-esque approaches). I also have no studio space to work in and leave set up, so the lighting and backdrop equipment that I've acquired so far can't stay set up; I use natural lighting for the vast majority of my images. My "dark room" is a 4'x5'-ish space in my unfinished basement that I've curtained off with black plastic. It has no running water or sink, so I drain into a bucket that I haul to the alley to pour out when full and I use the laundry room sink to rinse my plates after fixing (I do have a pretty awesome dark box that I built myself that I use when away from home). While I'm continually inspired by and learn from the wet plate community on Facebook, it's a struggle to maintain a positive outlook when I see the resources that others have available on a regular basis--from time (I so, so want/need more of that!), equipment (the camera and lens porn can at times be almost unbearable to look at), and people, to, of course, money. I would definitely be farther along in my collodion journey if I had a little more of any of these. </poor_me>
While I would never describe myself as having a sunny disposition, I do have a hard time maintaining a depressed attitude--problem-solving is almost an addiction with me and that part of my brain eventually kicks in and starts coming up with plans to make it all work. I'm working on being more positive about my life and work and being kinder to myself in general, so here are some of the good things about my struggles:
- Because I work outdoors, I've become much more attuned to the changing light and I'm learning how to adjust the exposures to account for it; if I'd had a nice studio set up from the get-go, I'd only have mastered one or two lighting set ups.
- I've experienced a number of outdoor shooting mishaps--from plates drying out to excessive wind to intense heat/light and dogs running through my rinse trays (!)--and have gained wisdom (really humor and a bit of fatalism) to deal with them.
- I enjoy the process for its own sake--no matter the outcome. When I studied ceramic arts at Knox College, I was extremely fortunate to have Henry Joe as a teacher. His very Taoist approach emphasized process rather than outcome and I learned not to be overly attached to my work--remembering the sights and sounds of students smashing their unsuccessful pieces after a firing brings me creative liberty.
- Despite the limitations of time, space, and equipment, over the last year and a half or so, I've learned a lot and have made a lot of images--some of them pretty good. I know I am capable of much more.
- From viewing thousands of contemporary and antique photographic images contributed by folks all over the world to the various online groups to which I belong, I've strengthened my own sense of what is visually appealing and what is not, what is cliché and what is exciting and emotionally stirring. I know what I want to do and what I need to do it, so when the time is right, I'll be able to get out of this holding pattern.
I did manage to make a few more-or-less successful images yesterday despite the uphill battles with sun/clouds, wiggly model, and aged collodion (as salted collodion ages, it loses sensitivity--meaning it takes longer to get a decent exposure).
Poppies 5x7 alumitype 5/28/2016
5x7 alumitype 5/28/2016
Both images were 20 second exposures using an Industar 37 lens. The poppies were at f 8, but my daughter's portrait was at f 5.6 and while the shallower depth of field in that image worked great for framing, it failed to keep her face in focus (she moved between set up and exposure--dang). I'd opened it up because I wasn't sure she could stay still for the nearly 30 second exposure it was likely to take. Despite the focus issue, I rather like this portrait of her--hopefully we can try again soon when I have faster collodion and can swing faster exposure times. When I first started with the poppies, there was a lot more going on with shadow and light--more detail in the fence behind and subtler lighting/limning of the poppy buds--but some heavy clouds drifted in. This is the third image I made.
Thanks for slogging through this post. I'm hoping things'll get better soon.